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The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. ~John Vance Cheney

This is probably my hardest post to write yet .... it feels like if I write this down then I'm bearing my naked soul to the world. I feel like people will judge saying that there are people worse off than me, it's not like I'm dying. But this is how I feel and if it helps just one person to get through their major surgery or vision loss and to know that someone else out there felt the same way, then here's my soul.

Tears are such a personal thing, something we do when life has beaten us down and we want to disappear to a secret place and nurture our soul.

I'm not sure if the anesetic has played a part by affecting my emotions as it leaves my system or if it really is an emotional upheaval but tears seem to still be my first point of response to any situation. Even writing some of these blogs I've been tearing up, my best friend who runs Digital Stuff and I were in tears as we put the first few pages of this website together, it's such an emotional and scary ride. Excluding the fact that I had the perfect life just two years ago, and now I'm fighting to have even a small amount of that life back, I'm also putting all of my heart and soul in to Insight to Sight so that I can help myself and hopefully help others out there who are going through the same thing.

Tears just pop in anywhere, I took a wrong turn on my way home from a health food store and i couldn't find my way out of the suburb, I was crying so hard because I felt lost and out of my comfort zone that I had to pull over. I set google maps to home and then cried because I was going to be ok. I cried when my first yoga calendar alert went off on Sunday evening and I couldn't go, I cry before I ask someone for help because I want to be independent and do it myself, I know that my friends and family will say yes if they can help, but I hate imposing. I cry myself to sleep most nights, I reflect on my day and what i've done, or what I could have done, I think about my hopes and dreams, how I've been planning to take 12 months off and live and work/study Nutrition in Malta, but that I haven't made it because of my eyes, or how I'd love to live in an apartment with a view but with all of these medical bills I can't afford to. My wishboard is full of dreams that I feel I'm never going to be able to fulfil. This is the third year in a row that I've had eye surgery and taken weeks and weeks off work, how can I grow my career? How can I study to change careers? I've had to put my life on hold and pick it up ... again.

So with all these thoughts and fears running through my mind, I snuggle into my comfy bed and cuddle my teddy, and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

I am at peace with what is.

Miss Nat xoxo

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