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All blur without my glasses

In an effort to notice any vision improvements from cornea transplant, I'm spending more time each morning and night without my glasses on, just minutes, but jeez they pack an intense punch. Where's the world gone again? Showers suck the most, where's my soap? where's my shampoo? When i get out of the shower I wrap my towel around me and look in the mirror ... where am I? where's the pretty girl that I used to see in the mirror all the time? I look in the mirror and can see some black hair and my olive skin, but no eyes, no rosey cheeks, no blemishes, no eye brow hairs out of place.

I've been telling my Canberra doctor (who I'm no longer seeing as we just didn't feel right together) that I'm losing more vision in my 'good' eye. He kept brushing it off saying that it didn't matter as I still had vision with glasses on, but it's real, and I've been experiencing it all year.

We thought I'd be blind by Christmas and I was so excited to beat that. To be honest I still celebrate today and count my blessings and thank my lucky stars that I beat the odds and I held my vision. It's been a lot of work on my end to do that though, lots of mind work with positive thinking and kicking those negative thoughts and fears out of my mind, lots of rest and not over-using my eyes, more rest, minimal focusing, learning to love my life and see all the beautiful things and people that are in it, more rest, meditation, eating healthy, drinking less, more rest, making plans that make me happy and learning to love myself and being willing to open my heart and love others again.

Plus the eye exercises, last year from September to December I did eye exercises and meditations diligently 2-4 times a day for at least 15 minutes at a time. I promised myself in September that I'd give the exercises a go up until Christmas to see if they would make a difference, and they did, and then I started getting my stitches out in February and I got complacent and stopped with the eye exercises. I'd made it this far, my eyes are alright now right?'.

But here I am today, four months into my sutures removal and I'm experiencing less vision than before.

Just the other day I posted how at peace I feel with my situation and that I'll be able to handle whatever happens, but wow! I can honestly say that being in my bedroom and only being able to see what's within a ruler length in front of me and having everything else blur away is freaking scary. I can get up and walk to my ensuite, go to the loo and wash my hands ok, but if I try to 'see' what's on my bedroom floor, or to see the toilet paper or to see the taps or see what is on my basin, that's when I realise I just see blurs of colour. There's no definition, no outline, no pattern, just a blur of colour and my mind makes out the rest and tells me what it is.

I used to walk down the corridor to my kitchen and try and make a cup of tea or after the help from Vision Australia I had the confidence to walk outside and feed my chickens in my backyard. It's hard to explain what it's like to see blurry shapes which give you an idea of what's going on, coupled with the fear that comes with it as you're not aware of so much around you. Like when I'm in the kitchen I can find my way to the kettle, I know how to feel for the switch to turn it on, I know where my tea is and even though I can't make out the pattern on the container, I know which is my favourite green tea. I know where my cups are and where to get a spoon from, but it's like my brain only focuses on the one thing I'm looking for and everything else just isn't there. It's like being in a dark room and squinting trying to see what's directly in front of you, except for me I don't see darkness, I'm lucky enough to see light.

I am forever in awe of people with low vision who get through each day like this. Not actually seeing the beauty of the world or even what's around them. I'm still tripping and bumping into walls, and that's with glasses, imagine a world with less vision?

Sometimes I take my glasses off when I'm walking at the shops or when I'm walking around my neighbourhood, just to see what life may be like if I lose this battle. I realise that I can see shapes moving and can make out enough to get myself from point A to B remotely safely, but I can't see the world, I can't see what's in the shop window, I can't see any faces, I can't see the pretty coloured signs that lure me into a shop to buy a bargain. In my neighbourhood, I can't see the trees, I can't see what's on the footpath, I can't see the birds or cute dog that someone is walking passed me.

I know that I will survive and make the most out of whatever vision I have, but wow, I can honestly say people, please appreciate your vision and your life. Make the most of it because you never know what cards you're going to be dealt and when it all changes.

I am at peace with what is..

Miss Nat


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